OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
