These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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