Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
