Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
