I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
