So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
