i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
