Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
