Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Randomize
