I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
