i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
