I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
