Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
