franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
