Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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