Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
