I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He better not be in your backpack
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
