i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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