It's Friday. Sex?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Randomize
