i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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