Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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