so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
