Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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