hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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