Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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