God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
