Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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