i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
nutella sex= disaster
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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