Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
there was a trapeze. enough said
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
