mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
