I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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