glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
