did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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