my mouth tastes like poor choices
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
