i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
