just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
