i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
