I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
