I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
