I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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