Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
