Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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