So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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