I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
