Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
