you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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