Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
