SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
