nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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