There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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