My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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